In need of honest critisim, please help.

vale_1414vale_1414 Mexico! (proud mexican nerdfighter here)Posts: 7
Okay so here's the first few chapters:

Hugo Baldwin found himself outside the old metal gates of Starlight Studios, an abandoned film studio that for the last 5 years has served for a place for meetings between gang members, it has also been an illegal skateboarding park and has served home for some of those running from the law. Every so often there would be a fight between the dwellers there and the police would come and it would be a complete mess; punches would be punched and arrests would be made. It had also been rumored to be hunted, thought the rumors had died down in the last years. In the end, it was not the best place to be at that hour of the night.

Hugo had felt that he needed to be there, that night, as if something powerful was pulling him in; also that was the address he had received, someone wanted him there. He opened the rusty gates, which squeaked and groaned, and stepped through.
There were some homeless people there, cuddling by the fire; after a few steps in he could already feel all eyes on him. While some bued at him and others told him to get out, the big ones were taking more aggressive approaches, like a dog would if you cross into their territory, standing up and walking toward Hugo. He ran to the opposite side, until he felt no one following him.

He did not know, that someone had indeed followed him. A thin guy named Jade, he thought it was one of the young kids, who usually come there to get some time off--runaways, just like himself. Hugo went to the back of a building which had painted to its side ‘Starlight Studio 1’ just like all of the one story, wide and long buildings there.

Jade heard a gasp and then a grunt, it actually sounded more like a muffled scream, and knew immediately that a gasp followed by some grunt or scream did not mean anything good, and he was right. When he turned toward the end of the building, he saw the, kid he’d been following sitting in the ground. He looked surprised--shocked more like it, he didn't move, his mouth was still open and a thin red line was slowly falling from his nose. He had to help him up, or the others would blame him for what happened, or even worse they would involve the police, would they really go to that? would they beat him up like they did to punish?
“Come up, kiddo” he said as if Hugo had tripped and fell, it really looked nothing like it.
“Can you stand…?” Hugo stared off into space. Jade was beginning to worry.
“Do I really need to do this? Carry you?”He said this while he moved closer to Hugo and wrapped an arm around Hugo’s waist. He grunted as he picked the kid up and moved him closer to the wall and left him there standing laying on the wall.
“Here. Eat this. It will make you feel better...maybe” he fed Hugo his only chocolate. Hugo seemed to slowly come back but not enough to stand on his own. Jade helped him up and towards the gate. He seemed now to have enough energy to walk. During the trip to the gates, Jade kept having the feeling of being watched, in some occasions he could swear he had seen a blur of red or maybe it was hair; he couldn't put his finger on it. He ignored all signs of this, he thought he was tired and hungry and cold too. The thought that troubled him all the way to the camp and also in his sleep, was what had happened around the corner of Starlight Studio 1, what had happened to the poor runaway kid.
Important date: February 19

Hugo Baldwin was my best friend. We’ve know each other forever, our parents went to highschool together and were close friends so it was no surprise when we became really close friends, he was like a brother to me.
We went to each other's houses often ever since we were little. His parents are like my second mother and father. It’s funny because sometimes the resemblance between the Baldwin parents and Baldwin son would show through. Hugo would say the same phrases as his father, and make the same hand movements when he talked just like his mother. I’m not implying that he talks too much or only that I notice. I am the one who did most of the talking. Whoops.
Hugo was a straight-a student and never, never missed class. So it was really surprising the day the bell rang and we went into our classrooms only to find out that Hugo’s front row seat was empty, his locker locked and an X had been placed right next to his name and under the date: February 19.

Hugo Baldwin hadn't come to school.

Sign In or Register to comment.